Mortal Ghost
L. Lee Lowe
© L. Lee Lowe 2007
Cover design by L.M.Noonan
For Jake,
who also should have lived
I, born of flesh and ghost, was neither
A ghost nor man, but mortal ghost.
Dylan Thomas
1
Every night Jesse lies down to sleep with fire. This time, screams and a dark chord burning. This time, the beam falls before his hair ignites.
Jesse woke with a start, his heart thudding. It took him a moment to remember where he was. Something in his rucksack was digging into his cheek. Wincing, he shifted on the piece of cardboard that was his mattress. The solid blocks of stone at his back, rough and lichen-crusted, made good sentries but poor bedfellows. His neck was sore and kinked, his muscles cramped, and he had pins-and-needles in the arm he’d been lying on. He needed to pee.
The dream again.
Fingering the handle of his knife, he looked about him. Just after dawn, and the air smelled fresh and clean, with a dampness that hinted at rain. His sleeping bag felt clammy, and the grass along the riverbank glistened with dew. Water lapped close by, a sound from his past, and he could hear the noisy riverbirds scolding his sluggishness.
There was no help for it. Wait too long and somebody would appear. Shaking off the last whorls of sleep, he unzipped his sleeping bag and crept out. He stretched, then made a few circles with his head, grimacing as the vertebrae in his neck rasped like the sound of Mal crushing eggshells in his fist—one of his least offensive habits. A couple of knee-bends till Jesse’s bladder protested. He glanced round once more, for he didn’t like to leave his things unattended for even a moment—on the street, a moment’s inattention could mean the difference between a meal and hunger, between safety and a vicious beating/mutilation/rape, between survival and annihilation.
He grabbed his rucksack, thrust his knife inside, and sidled barefoot down the grassy riverbank until he came to an overgrown bush. After relieving himself, he knelt at the river’s edge and rinsed his hands, then splashed cold water into his face. Not exactly clean, but it helped remove the film of sleep and dross from the morning. Distastefully, he ran his wet fingers through his hair. He needed a good wash—failing a long hot punishing shower then at least a swim in the river. Later maybe—first he would have to eat. He kneaded the skin above his waistband; he’d lost weight again, he supposed. Hunger never quite retracted its claws: on the rare occasions when he had a full belly, there was always the next meal to worry about.
It would be another long day.
From his rucksack he removed his battered water bottle and trainers. After slaking his thirst he capped the bottle and considered his next move. He always tried to find a new kip each night, and if he got lucky he might be able to locate an abandoned warehouse or garage or even an allotment shed. The docklands looked promising, although there would probably be others with the same idea. Still, it was a largish place. He kept away from the squats. He wanted nothing to do with anyone else.
Jesse rummaged for the currant bun he’d kept back last night, then shook out his sleeping bag, formed it into a compact roll, and stored it in his rucksack, followed by the bun and his water bottle. After slipping into his trainers he wedged the cardboard between one of the bridge’s massive stone abutments and a clump of wild briars, just in case he was obliged to return tonight.
It was still barely light, and except for a boat in the distance—a barge, from the long squat shape—and the birds and jazzing whirlybird insects and occasional frog, Jesse had the river to himself. He made his way along the bank in the direction of the city centre. There was a thin opaque haze over the water which the sun would soon burn away. Though overcast now, with a likelihood of rain, Jesse could tell that it would be hot later on, hot and humid. Good swimming weather. Usually the river was well trafficked, but he had yet to see anyone else swim. Of course, he always chose a secluded spot.
When hunger gnawed at him, he stopped by a sandy patch of ground, half-hidden by large boulders and a willow, to eat his rather flattened bun. He stared at his breakfast for a few seconds, then returned it to his rucksack. He’d wait. Impossible to predict how long it would be before he could earn some money. Pity that he hadn’t saved that bit of sausage instead of feeding it to yesterday’s stray, who probably needed it less than him.
Jesse fumbled in his pocket for the cigarette he’d picked up. Bent but only a trifle dirty at the tip—perfectly smokeable. He straightened, then lit it with one of his last matches. Back propped against the rock, he inhaled deeply and watched the river.
The cigarette did little to dull his hunger. Inadvertently, he found himself picturing bacon crisping in a cast-iron frying pan, a loaf of his grandmother’s bread, a bowl of rich yellow butter. Saliva spurted into his mouth. He forced the memory into retreat—not that road.
Cigarette finished, Jesse licked his fingertips, pinched it out with his usual meticulousness, and dropped the butt back into his pocket. Then he took out his well-thumbed copy of The Tempest. With a few pounds, he’d be able to buy some second-hand paperbacks. Unlike most other kids on the street, he wouldn’t nick anything, not even an apple from the market. He only wished he had a place to store the books. If he kept going at this rate, by winter it would be a real problem to carry them around. Of course, by winter there would be other problems—problems a little more pressing than his luggage. He smiled to himself. Nothing was worse than taking yourself too seriously.
The dog kept its distance at first. The two-leg was mumbling under his breath, twisting a length of hair around his finger and tugging on it. He smelled worn and musty, like a discarded shoe. The dog edged closer. It sniffed at a crushed tin, scratched itself. Loud staccato cough: the dog slunk back. The street had taught it caution, even patience.
A small movement caught the corner of Jesse’s eye. He whipped his head round. Not again, he thought, shutting his book. So many of his mistakes came back to haunt him. The dog moved closer, licked at Jesse’s hand.
‘What do you want? I’ve got nothing to feed you.’
The dog stared up at him with large, sentimental eyes. A big skinny creature, black fur dirty and matted, but otherwise in pretty good shape. Jesse wondered how it managed so well on the street.
‘I bet you could teach me a thing or two,’ he said.
Jesse stood, jingling the coins in his pocket. They hadn’t earned any interest overnight—just enough for a hot drink and a hamburger. No doubt a sell-by loaf and some milk would be smarter, but at the burger places they usually didn’t notice how long you used the lavatory. He could at least brush his teeth, maybe wash his neck and hair. Stripping would be risky, unless he could bolt the door. Few people had seen him without pants, no one without his T-shirt. He didn’t do naked.
Jesse glanced at the sky. The cloud cover resembled an old greying sheet, thin cheap cotton to begin with, the kind they gave you in those rundown places where, for a few quid, you could get a bed for the night—he’d slept a couple of times in one or another of them when he had some money and was desperate for a real mattress and real roof and real shower—the kind of linen that didn’t even remember white, that you could put your foot through, and did. Only here it was the sun that was breaking through the crumpled and dingy fabric.
The rain would hold off for a few hours. Ample time to eat and find shelter. It was bad enough being dirty and bedraggled, but a wet T-shirt was uncomfortable, and wet jeans, a torment. He had only one change of clothes, none too clean. Filthy, actually. He knew there were certain things he could do—or allow to be done to him—that would get him a night or two in someone’s flat, bathroom and washing machine privileges included. He’d go back to Mal before it came to that.
Jesse packed up his meagre possessions. He’d follow the river south for a while, then thread west to the nearest McDonald’s. Though he ignored it, the dog trotted along beside him. After a few steps, Jesse paused to glower.
‘Go away,’ he said. ‘Leave me alone. I can’t take on a dog.’
The dog stopped, cocked his head, whined a little.
‘I mean it. Get lost,’ Jesse said. He stamped his foot and lunged towards the dog, who retreated fearfully.
Jesse resumed his walk, a bit faster now. The breeze off the river ruffled his hair, the freshness of the air more country than city. He waited several minutes before glancing behind him. The dog stood there, irresolute. Jesse could tell that it wanted to follow, but didn’t quite dare. Jesse didn’t like the way this made him feel—as if he could take the animal’s trust and squeeze it between his fingers like a lump of wet clay.
He almost stumbled over the bird. It lay askew near a tree stump, but as soon as Jesse approached began to scrabble with its legs, bent wing dragging and sound one flapping. A kestrel, Jesse saw straight off—an adult male with dove-grey tail. It flopped about, trying to escape when he knelt at its side. The dog came over to investigate, thrusting its muzzle at the bird, who reacted by raking the dog with its sharp talons. The dog yowled more in surprise than real injury and skittered away.
‘Leave it be,’ Jesse snapped at the dog.
The dog understood when it was time to ignore a boy, when to obey. It kept its distance.
Jesse looked round. There was no one in sight. With enormous care—he knew just how sharp those talons could be, how strong the beak—he reached for the bird, making a good if quiet imitation of a kestrel’s cry: ‘kee kee kee.’ It no longer struggled to get away, watched instead with an alert tilt of its head, its eyes clear and focused. It was not ready to relinquish its hunter’s fierce proud spirit. But before long another animal would maul it, or a passing kid drown it—or worse.
‘Come, Windhover,’ Jesse said. ‘You can trust me. Let’s see if we can help you fly.’
Head tilted and ears cocked, the dog waited with frank curiosity to see if a meal or a miracle would be forthcoming.
Jesse grasped the kestrel in both hands, firmly pinioning its wings. He rose, brought the bird to chest level, and closed his eyes. The bird’s heart fluttered beneath his fingers, and Jesse waited until the warmth of his palms, the timbre of his thoughts calmed the frightened creature. There is no healing through subjugation. Then Jesse moves like a line of melody through its body, lingering longest over the broken bones in its wing. Cells resonate as note calls out to note. The air is still: the stir of wind has died away, leaving only the scent of pine in its wake.
The dog raised its head and sniffed. It could identify the peppery richness of new-mown grass, the hot iron bite of fresh pitch, the oily slick of riverbird, the fruity tang of another dog’s urine—all the manifold but familiar odours of river and city. And then this new thing: the boy, suddenly different. The dog would have liked to bark but contented itself with a low rumble in its throat, hardly a growl. Jesse opened his eyes for a moment and flicked a look of reproach at the dog, who hung its head.
Ten minutes, twenty, an hour; or no time at all. As always, the whentide ebbs till the creature begins to struggle. Then it was done—bones healed, and the kestrel released to flight. Jesse smiled as it met the air with vigorous wingstrokes, skimming the water until it reached the middle of the river. There it hovered into the rising wind, then banked and flew in a steep climb. The higher it flew, the bigger it seemed to grow—the stronger its wings. Jesse followed its path with a hand shading his eyes, for the clouds had parted and he was staring almost directly into the sun, which tipped the kestrel with redgold. A single wild cry split the air: no elegy’s minor key. Engulfed in flame, the bird passed from sight.
Jesse watched for a while longer. The kingfishers were chasing each other over the river. Their small, brilliantly-coloured bodies darted and flashed, embroidering the rippling length of greygreen silk. There was a moment in their flight, just before they dived, when they paused, suspended—the wave at cresting, the pendulum at the top of its arc—and then with a shiver, as if time itself had hesitated, resumed their plunge.
Eventually hunger intruded. Jesse sighed, flipped his hair out of his eyes, and forced himself to turn away. The river would wait. He shouldered his rucksack and continued in the direction of the city centre. Tired and dispirited, he trudged along the narrow footpath. The kestrel had drained whatever energy his short, troubled night and inadequate supper had provided. His usual craving for chocolate nagged at him. After McDonald’s, he decided, he’d spend the morning in the library, then try to find some work, maybe in one of the posh residential neighbourhoods—mowing, weeding, painting, window cleaning, anything.
The dog had waited before following the boy. Gradually it crept closer, but not too close. When the boy stopped to lean on the back of a concrete bench, the dog stopped as well, watching wistfully.
Jesse took a deep breath, lifted his head, and saw the dog.
‘You again,’ Jesse said.
The dog’s persistence irritated him. What would he do with a dog? Most days he didn’t even know where he’d find his own next meal. A dog would make him stand out, far too noticeable. And shackled: he didn’t want any creature’s loyalty or devotion. He picked up a stone from the ground.
‘I’m warning you,’ he called. ‘Go away.’
The stupid dog came a few steps nearer.
‘I don’t want to hurt you. But I will if you don’t leave me alone.’
The dog moved forward another inch.
‘That’s it,’ Jesse said.
The rock landed on the dog’s flank. The dog yelped and jumped back, then slunk away. At the same time a voice shrieked in rage. Before Jesse could turn to see who had shouted, something—someone—rushed at him and knocked him flat. He covered his head with his arms as fists pounded at his shoulders, pulled his hair, pinched his upper arms. After a bit he realised that not much damage was actually being done. He sat up, pushed his assailant away. Right. A girl.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Jesse asked her.
She sprang to her feet and picked up another rock.
‘I’ll throw it at you. See how you like that,’ she spat.
Jesse couldn’t help laughing. Her brown eyes blazed at him, fierce with indignation. She was about his own age, with a long mane of chestnut hair escaping from a thick elastic. A fraction shorter than him, and very wiry. He had the impression that she was a ballet dancer—something about the way she stood, moved. She was dressed in shiny blue Lycra shorts and crop top, white trainers—typical classy jogging gear—and her face was flushed and filmed with sweat.
‘Go on, then, throw it,’ Jesse said from the ground. ‘Hit a man when he’s down.’
‘Some man,’ she said with a snort. She dropped the rock.
The dog in its perversity, in its doggy cunning, came prancing up. Tail wagging, it began jumping up on Jesse to lick his hands and face.
‘Your dog is more faithful than you deserve,’ she said.
‘It’s not my dog.’
‘He doesn’t seem to know that,’ she said.
‘It keeps following me,’ Jesse said.
‘I see. So that’s a good reason to throw rocks at him, is it?’
‘Not rocks. One rock.’
‘As if that makes any difference,’ she retorted.
‘I daresay it does, to the dog,’ Jesse said calmly.
The girl regarded him with a puzzled look on her face.
‘Who are you?’ she asked.
Jesse stood. He brushed himself off, picked up his rucksack.
‘Ring the RSPCA, will you.’
‘You haven’t answered my question.’
‘Nor do I intend to,’ Jesse answered. ‘What business is it of yours?’
‘You’re not from here,’ said the girl. She took a step closer, her head tilted at a graceful angle. Again he was reminded of a dancer.
‘So? That’s no crime.’
This had gone on long enough. Jesse turned to leave. She laid her hand on his arm. Flinching, he jerked from her grasp and walked away.
‘Wait,’ she called.
He was determined not to stop. The girl ran round in front of him, blocking his path. He would have brushed past her but something in the set of her shoulders, her mouth made him hesitate.
‘Please wait,’ she said again.
They looked at each other for a while in silence.
‘Are you hungry?’ she finally asked.
And if she noticed the sweat that sprang up on his forehead when she handed him the muesli bar from her bum bag, she was considerate enough not to say.
2
At first they walked back towards the Old Bridge in silence, which was exactly how Jesse wanted it. But the girl had the kind of energy that, like the river itself, would not easily be diverted.
‘My name’s Sarah.’
‘Jesse,’ he offered in exchange for the forthcoming meal.
‘Where did you spend the night?’
Jesse shrugged.
‘You look like you’ve slept under a bridge.’
He gave her a mocking half-smile and pointed towards the Old Bridge.
She was shocked but tried to conceal it. Studying her surreptitiously, he wondered exactly how old she was. With such an expressive face it was hard to tell. She wouldn’t make a good liar: that smile would give her away, those eyes. There was something about her . . .
Just before they passed under the bridge, Sarah stopped and gazed up at the stone parapets.
‘Not a good place to sleep,’ she said.
‘There’s worse,’ Jesse said.
‘I don’t like it.’
‘Why? It’s a handsome structure. Look at the curved coping stones above the spandrels and wing walls. And the projecting courses at road level. All good solid features typical of the period.’
Sarah was astonished. ‘You know a lot about it.’
‘Not really. Just from my reading.’
She indicated the stone dogs guarding both ends of the parapets with bared teeth. ‘They scare me.’
‘They’re only statues.’
‘Maybe . . .’ She shook her head. ‘There are too many legends about this bridge. It’s supposed to be unlucky. That’s why a lot of people won’t use it. You wouldn’t get me to spend a night here, alone, for anything.’
Jesse teased her. ‘How do you know I was alone?’
She blushed easily. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean . . . I mean, I didn’t mean to . . .’ A futile attempt to hold back a peal of amusement. ‘I’m getting myself all twisted up over nothing, aren’t I?’
He liked her willingness to laugh at herself. ‘I was alone.’
‘All the more reason to find someplace else to sleep.’
‘I can look after myself.’
Her eyes took him in from head to foot, not missing much. ‘Listen, it’s really not a good place to hang out—not alone, and especially not at night. There’ve been several murders underneath the bridge. Just last year someone found the body of a man who’d been beaten to death and left on the bank.’
‘All old buildings—or bridges—have their history.’
‘Not like this one,’ she persisted. ‘My mother says some places are imbued with spiritual energy.’
‘Ghosts?’ he scoffed.
‘No . . . no, nothing like that. More like a fingerprint, a kind of emotional charge because a person—or maybe an animal—burnt so strongly that everything, even stone, remembers.’
Her clear gaze unsettled him, as if she understood a secret about him. Her scent sprang out at him, clawing at the base of his throat. His grandmother had hung large bunches of lavender in the kitchen to dry, but he’d never met a girl who liked it, a girl like this, and that unsettled him even more. Go, he told himself. Just turn around and leave. There are worse things than hunger. His stomach growled in disagreement, loud enough for her to hear. He hitched his rucksack higher on his shoulder and rubbed his midriff; caught her grin. He could never resist the absurdity of a situation, even his own. His lips twitched, then turned up at the corners.
On the other side of the bridge the dog plunged into the river, paddled in exuberant circles for a few minutes, then bounded back to Jesse and shook itself vigorously.
‘Shit!’ Jesse exclaimed. ‘My clothes were disgusting enough already.’ He glared at the dog.
But Sarah was looking back at the bridge, unable to let it go. ‘It reeks of evil.’
‘That’s a bit strong, I should think.’
‘Don’t be so sure. One of my mum’s—’ She hesitated, then started again. ‘One of my mother’s acquaintances killed herself there not too long ago. She threw herself into the river and drowned.’ Jesse heard the faint emphasis on acquaintances. He wondered what she wasn’t telling him, but had no intention of trespassing on restricted territory. He had enough landmines of his own.
He smiled, making it easier for her. ‘I’m not going to throw myself off any bridge, haunted or not. Anyway, I’d never drown.’
‘Why not?’
‘I’m too good a swimmer.’
Sarah glanced at him. Jesse’s eyes danced, but his voice was quiet and assured. If anybody else had spoken like that, she’d have sniggered or told him off. This was different, somehow. She had a strong feeling that this lad didn’t brag, didn’t lie—that in fact he had no need to lie. But she knew the bridge. And her mother.
The house was an old and beautiful one, set back from a quiet road on the outskirts of the city. Perched on a hilly prospect with unencumbered views, it had been built perhaps two hundred years ago of local stone. Its exterior walls were a mottled but mellow ochre, like the best vanilla ice cream. A clever architect had brought light and river into what must have once been a dark, even cramped interior. Now it was spacious, sunny, and very untidy.
Jesse had been on street for a few months, yet thought he could still imagine other people’s lives—ordinary people, who lived in flats and houses, who got up in the morning and bathed and ate breakfast and kicked the dog (or the youngest family member) and left for work or school. But entering Sarah’s home, he needed a passport and phrase book.
At the front door he noticed three motorcycle helmets hanging up along with the macs and jackets.
‘My dad’s,’ she said.
Jesse was astounded by the quantity of possessions these people could accumulate: magazines and newspapers, sandals, pillows, vases filled with wilted flowers, CDs, a heap of socks, African baskets, photos, a trumpet lying on a piano, plants, a chess set, statues in stone and wood—and books, lots and lots of books. And this only from a glimpse through the doorway as they headed towards the kitchen.
Sarah passed Jesse a plate heaped with scrambled eggs and grated cheese, grilled tomatoes, buttery toast. The dog had already wolfed down a helping of stale cornflakes with milk.
‘He’d probably sit up and recite all of the Elder Edda—in the original—for a soup bone,’ Jesse said.
‘My mum and I are vegetarians,’ Sarah said without a hint of apology. ‘No bones, no bacon or sausage, only some steaks for my dad in the deep freeze. Finn would kill me if I used his imported beef for a dog.’
‘Finn?’
‘My dad.’
‘A nickname?’
‘No. An old family name.’
‘You call your father by his first name?’
‘Yeah, why not?’ She looked at him in surprise, then asked, ‘What’s the Elder Edda?’
‘A collection of early ballad-like poems. An important source of the Norse myths, written in Old Icelandic.’
‘Norse?’
‘Yeah. You know, stories of the Viking gods. Odin. Thor. The Valkyries. Loki the Trickster’s one of my favourites.’
She stared at him for a moment with a frown, as if she’d never heard of the Vikings, before going to the refrigerator for another packet of cheese.
‘Your dog won’t mind some cheddar, I reckon.’
Sarah persisted in calling the dog his. Jesse hadn’t bothered to correct her again. A meal was worth more than a pronoun. If he played his declensions right, he might get to shower as well.
While Sarah cut some cheese Jesse concentrated on the tastes exploding on his tongue. Hunger sharpened the senses—everyone knew that. Only the truly hungry saw the ghosts it raised: a grandmother cooking on an old range, a little girl setting a basket of warm feathery eggs on the table, the sad tired eyes of the constable. Sarah noticed how Jesse’s eyes caught the light as he raised them from his plate. They winked like mirrors, or deep blue pools, full of hidden and subtle layers of colour.
‘Would you like some coffee?’ Sarah asked.
‘Please.’
Sarah liked that he was polite, that he ate slowly and thoughtfully even though he was clearly ravenous.
Sarah sat across from him while the dog lay at their feet, licking up crumbs. The coffee was hot and strong and utterly delicious. Sarah took hers black, but Jesse added sugar, lots of sugar, and a dollop of cream from the jug she’d set before him. Though they’d stopped talking, the silence was not strained or uncomfortable.
When he’d finished the eggs, Sarah rose and prepared a second batch without asking, and two more slices of toast. He ate everything. Sarah offered him more coffee, but he refused. He could feel some pressure against the sides of his skull, a mild fogginess. Though coffee could sometimes relieve his headaches, more often it triggered a debilitating migraine. He’d been lucky in recent months. Perhaps he was only overtired. But what would he do if he had a full-fledged attack?
Sarah poured herself another mug. Her fingers were not particularly long or fine—nails short and blunt—but her hands carved a line of melody through the air. Reminded of a CD Liam used to play, Jesse hummed a few bars of Stravinsky’s Firebird. Sarah finished the phrase for him.
‘I’ve danced to that,’ she said.
‘So you do dance,’ he said. ‘I wondered.’
She swirled the coffee in her mug, a private smile on her face.
‘What?’ he asked.
‘You’re not at all what I expected.’
Jesse noticed the faint sprinkle of freckles across the bridge of her nose, the flecks of green in her eyes. He looked away when she became aware of his scrutiny. The kitchen was warm, and despite the coffee Jesse was beginning to feel drowsy.
‘Do you want to lie down?’ Sarah asked. ‘I don’t mind.’
Jesse played with his fork, considering. ‘You shouldn’t be so trusting. It’s dangerous.’
She laughed, deep and throaty. ‘There’s a spare bedroom upstairs which has a bath en suite. You’re welcome to use it. I’ll make up the bed for you.’
‘I can do that myself. You don’t have to wait on me.’
‘It’s OK this time. You’re tired.’
She narrowed her eyes, measuring him.
‘There’s probably some old stuff of my—’ She broke off and took a breath. ‘Some old stuff we’ve still got that will fit you. We can put your clothes in the washing machine.’
‘Won’t he object?’
‘Who?’
‘Your father.’
Her laugh again. ‘He wouldn’t even notice. Anyway, he’s on the top of some mountain in the Andes on another of his expeditions.’
‘Expedition?’ This was getting more interesting.
‘Don’t be so nosy,’ Sarah said, but with a grin. She relented. ‘He’s a photographer. Does a lot of nature assignments. You know, like National Geographic. Unless you’re a new kind of moss or mollusc or mineral, you’re just another teenage body. You could be wearing a dinner jacket over a thong, with feather boa to match, and he wouldn’t turn a hair. He lives in jeans and T-shirts, which he orders in bulk from the internet. Except when he’s in his biker’s mode, when he dons black leather and chains.’
‘Now you’re trying to wind me up,’ he protested.
‘Well . . . only a bit. If you get to meet Finn, you’ll see what I mean.’
‘Is he gone for long?’
‘Depends. Why? Are you planning to rob us or just move in?’
Jesse shook his head in irritation. ‘You really need to be more careful.’
‘You don’t know my mother,’ was all Sarah would say.
After showing him the bathroom, Sarah handed Jesse a comb and hairbrush as well as a wrapped toothbrush, then carried off his dirty clothes and sleeping bag without a sign of disgust, for which he was grateful. Now he lay down with a sigh of pure bliss, skin tingling from the long hot shower and scented by the lavender skin cream which Sarah had offered him. ‘I make it myself.’ His hair had lightened at least two shades. The old T-shirt and boxers fitted well enough, though they were a size smaller than he normally wore. He had lost weight in recent months. The dog was curled up on the brightly patterned bedside mat. Though Jesse always read himself to sleep no matter where he kipped, his eyes were too heavy for print. He was asleep within minutes.
Despite his exhaustion, he sleeps fitfully. Darkness eddies uncertainly around him. Voices whisper. Faces appear and disappear. Figures cry out in agony, and flail their arms, and sink beneath the waves. A red sun blisters the sea, blinding Jesse, burning him. Wait, he calls. Hold on, I’m coming. But the water rejects him, tosses him roughly from image to image, until sleep finally ebbs and leaves him stranded on a strange shingle.
In the curtained light, red starbursts snagged the edge of his vision like thorns, and he closed his eyes again with a groan. His stomach heaved in protest. Lines of fire zigzagged under his lids. His fingertips felt numb, and he worked his hands under the duvet, bunched and tangled around his body. After a few minutes, the nausea subsided enough for him to stand. He needed to pee.
The house was quiet. The dog followed Jesse along the landing, which was decorated with a series of luminous black-and-white photographs of seashells so real that Jesse felt he could reach out and pick them up in his hands. He stopped to examine them. If this were her father’s work, he was good—much better than good. Jesse whistled softly under his breath. Sarah was lucky.
Jesse found a note on the kitchen table: Gone out. Help yourself to what you need. Don’t wake my mum. S. He opened the refrigerator. He was not used to so much food at once; he’d eaten too many eggs. He drank half a glass of milk, hoping it would settle his stomach. The clock ticking on the wall told him that he’d not slept long. The dog looked up at him expectantly and Jesse poured it some milk. The dog’s eager tongue slapped against Jesse’s ears. He shivered a little. His gut ached, and there was a heaviness behind his temples, a stiffness in his neck that warned him of worse to come.
He needed to pack his things and go.
‘Are you a friend of Sarah’s?’
Jesse whirled at the voice. A woman stood in the doorway, regarding him with curiosity but without alarm. He could see the resemblance to Sarah straightaway—not in the colouring, for her mother had deep red hair and the most amazing eyes he had ever seen, the smoky amber of the animal kingdom. Her face was very pale, and at first he thought she must be ill. Then he realised that her skin crackled with energy, as if an electric current were racing under its translucent surface. The line of her eyebrows, the shape of her nose, the curve of her lips, her cheekbones: all had been replicated in Sarah.
‘I’m Jesse Wright,’ he said, feeling rather awkward. ‘Sarah invited me for a meal.’
She glanced down at the dog, who retreated behind Jesse, uttering an odd little yip. Nearly as gracefully as her daughter, she bent and stroked its head, then went to take some things from the cupboard.
‘There’s a herbal tea I use that should settle your stomach,’ she said, filling the kettle.
‘How did you know—’ Jesse began.
‘About the nausea?’ She smiled. ‘Sit down. I’ll massage your neck and shoulders while you drink. It’ll help. Perhaps we can forestall the migraine.’
He intended to refuse—politely—but found himself taking the chair she indicated.
‘Not my shoulders and back. Please don’t touch them,’ he said. ‘Just the top of my neck, the base of my skull.’
She agreed without questioning him.
Her fingers were cool and competent, kneading the knots of tension while he sipped the tea. It had been so long since someone had touched him except in anger—that he had allowed someone touch him. Liam had been the last. Jesse closed his eyes, listening to the tune she hummed under her breath. The room was warm, warm as the musky tea, warm as the song, warm as sleep. Water lapped at his temples, pushed at the locks of his mind. Behind him lay the past. Far behind. He drifted, warm and relaxed.
Jesse lay in bed. He threw off the covers and padded barefoot to the window, twitched back the curtain. He must have slept a few hours this time, for the sky had hazed over once more, but he could tell that it was around noon. He opened the window and breathed deeply. His headache was gone, and the air was muggy, saturated with the mingled scent of noonday heat and incipient rain, honeysuckle and late roses and lavender and blackcurrant, so potent that he could feel the gravel underfoot on the path through his grandmother’s garden, taste the jam she’d be making.
He tried to remember how he’d got back to the bedroom. He had a clear picture of Sarah’s mother in the kitchen, brewing him a mug of pungent herbal tea, then massaging his neck and temples, but after that—nothing. Surely she couldn’t have carried him upstairs, even if he’d drifted off to sleep. He was wearing jeans: had he dreamt it after all, and somehow dressed himself without being aware of it? Some form of sleepwalking, perhaps.
‘You’re awake,’ a voice called up from below.
Trowel in hand, Sarah’s mother stood by a tangled flowerbed. Her hair was tied back from her face, but like her daughter’s, it was fast escaping. The dog was sprawled thoroughly at home under a large walnut tree, which sported a handsome if somewhat lopsided treehouse, complete with shingled roof and a shuttered window.
‘What time is it?’ Jesse asked, more for something to say than because he wanted to know.
‘Just before one,’ she said. ‘Come down to the kitchen for lunch. I was about to stop now anyway. It’s beginning to rain.’
Frenzied barking, a streak of fur followed by a canine missile.
‘Come back here!’ Jesse shouted.
Meg laughed. ‘He’ll never get our neighbour’s wily tom. That animal has at least ninety-nine lives.’
‘How did I get upstairs?’ Jesse asked her over a grilled cheese-and-tomato sandwich and fresh lemonade.
‘You don’t remember?’ she asked. ‘It can take some people like that.’
‘What takes some people like that?’
‘The tea, the massage.’
‘Rubbish.’ Jesse narrowed his eyes. ‘Unless you drugged the tea . . . ?’
She laughed, her voice light and frothy like the heads of elderflowers growing wild along the lanes of his childhood.
‘Of course not. It’s just a little technique I use for headaches. It works too, doesn’t it? I led you upstairs, helped you into bed. You’ll probably remember after a while.’ She looked at him, her eyes thoughtful. ‘But you’re particularly receptive. A sensitive, I should think.’
He shrugged his shoulders. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
Her mouth crimped slightly at one corner. Jesse had the feeling that she understood him very well indeed and was amused by his prevarication. Abruptly he changed the subject. ‘Where’s Sarah?’
‘Gone to do some errands. She’ll be back soon.’
‘I’ll wait to say goodbye.’
‘Where will you go?’
Again he shrugged. ‘I’m following the river.’
‘For the summer?’
‘More or less.’
‘If you want to take a break—’ She hesitated and bit her lip. It was the first time he’d seen her at a loss, and suddenly he anticipated her next words.
‘No!’ he snapped. ‘I don’t need a job.’ Stupid, he thought. These people would pay well. A day or two couldn’t hurt, could it? A few pounds put aside, a couple of new books, maybe even a second-hand jumper and a warm anorak for the winter . . . Sarah’s face flashed across his mind. He pushed back his chair and stood, upsetting his glass of lemonade.
‘Sorry,’ he said as he hurried to the sink.
‘Not a job,’ Sarah’s mother said. ‘A refuge.’
He stared at her, cloth in hand. He could hear the loud ticking of the ceramic clock on the wall.
She quoted quietly:
‘Be not afeard. The isle is full of noises,
Sounds, and sweet airs that give delight and hurt not.'
‘You’ve been going through my things!’ Jesse said.
Her smile was patient. ‘I wouldn’t do that. None of us would. The Tempest is one of my favourite plays. I acted in it at university.’
‘Sorry,’ he muttered again, not entirely reassured. The very play that he was reading now, and some of his own favourite lines. Experience had taught him to mistrust coincidence.
She rose and began to clear the table.
‘Thanks for lunch,’ he said, moving to help her.
‘Leave it,’ she said. ‘You and Sarah can do supper, if you’re still here.’
She stopped, the jug in her hand.
‘Think about it, Jesse. A few days of rest. I think you need it.’
Her words splashing over the rocky bed of his mind, Jesse dug his hands into his pockets and walked out into the garden. Sarah’s mother watched him go, a troubled expression on her face.
3
Sarah had bought the dog a sturdy leather collar and lead. ‘He’s going to need a tag and chip, his shots. And what about his name?’
‘I told you,’ Jesse said. ‘It’s not my dog.’
‘He is now,’ she said. ‘What do you want to call him?’
Jesse shrugged. There wasn’t much point thinking up a name unless Sarah’s family would be willing to adopt a stray.
‘How about Anubis? We did Egyptian mythology last year in school.’
No way, thought Jesse. Even if he named the animal—temporarily, mind you—it would be Harry or Jinx. Simple, ordinary, doggy.
The dog tugged on the lead, anxious to keep moving. They’d walked down the hill from Sarah’s house and were now in another part of the city. The townhouses were neat, upmarket, with little front gardens, geranium-filled window boxes displayed like medals on a war hero’s chest, and brightly painted doors and window frames.
Sarah indicated a narrow lane almost hidden between two brick dwellings. ‘Come on, I want to show you something.’
She led him along the cobbled way towards a small stone chapel which had been converted into a residence and workshop. A stone bench curved round the base of a towering chestnut tree. Mounted on the scrolls of the wrought iron gate was an exquisitely hand-lettered sign: Sundials, it said. They stopped and leaned on the fence while Jesse studied the pieces, each bathed in the astringent green light. Once again he could smell the flush of lavender on Sarah’s skin.
‘Brilliant, aren’t they?’ Sarah asked.
‘They’re wonderful,’ Jesse said. ‘Who makes them?’
‘A friend of my mother’s. She’s not here at the moment, or we could say hello.’
Jesse pointed to a gilded greenslate sundial mounted on a plinth and set some distance from the others. ‘That’s the only one standing in the sun.’
‘Ursula’s partner wanted to remove the tree so visitors could appreciate the sundials better, but Ursula wouldn’t hear of it. Most of these are only display pieces, though I think one or two might be current orders.’
‘Sundials have to be calibrated for a specific site in order to be accurate.’
‘You do read a lot, don’t you?’
He appeared not to hear. ‘Isn’t she afraid someone might steal them?’
‘They’re far too heavy.’
‘Anyone could hop over this fence and vandalise them.’
‘More tempting stuff to go after, I suppose.’ She gave him a sideways glance. ‘Do you always expect the worst?’
‘It’s best to be prepared.’
Automatically he groped in his pocket for a cigarette, but came up only with an empty matchbox.
‘You smoke?’ Sarah asked, more observant than Jesse was used to—more, perhaps, than he cared for.
‘Sometimes. Did Ursula make the one in your garden?’
‘Yeah. My mother spent hours arguing with her about the design. She can be a right pain in the you-know-what sometimes—my mum, I mean.’
‘Your mother’s a very interesting woman.’
‘That’s what everyone says,’ Sarah said drily.
Jesse turned his gaze away from the sundials.
‘There are many different kinds of gifts,’ he said, then shook his head and ran his hand back and forth over the scrollwork on the gate. ‘Sorry, that was really dumb of me. I hate such platitudes.’ He continued to rub at the metal with a fingertip, his whole attention concentrated on erasing his words.
‘It’s OK. I genuinely admire her. Like her, too. It’s just that . . .’
‘Yeah, I can imagine.’
Sarah studied his face for a moment without speaking. When he wasn’t frowning, his features had the soft look of an old pair of jeans, familiar and comfortable and worn. Like someone you might have known forever. Even his eyes, when they shed their brittle layer of mica, turned the colour of her favourite stonewashed denim. There was no stubble on his face, but she could tell that he’d soon be shaving.
He turned his head and met her eyes. Caught off guard, she flushed.
‘Look, I didn’t mean to compare you to your mother,’ Jesse said. ‘Or to pry.’
‘Oh yeah?’
‘OK, maybe I am a bit curious,’ he conceded. ‘Do you blame me?’
Sarah had a mischievous glint in her eyes, the same look he’d seen on a small girl who’d found a stash of chocolate and a single disintegrating cigarette hidden under his mattress. On Emmy. He didn’t notice that he was biting his lip till he tasted a trace of blood.
‘I’ll offer you a trade,’ Sarah said. ‘One fact about yourself for one about my mum.’
‘It wouldn’t be a fair exchange,’ he said curtly. ‘There’s nothing worth learning about me.’
He walked away, leaving Sarah to stare after him. His shoulders were hunched as if against a chill wind.
Sarah led them through a cemetery where she stopped to point out a row of small graves whose headstones all bore inscriptions dating from as far back as the 1890s. Though not quite overgrown, the plots were no longer carefully tended, and the sweet smell of the honeysuckle which clambered rampantly through a nearby lilac added to the slight air of neglect.
‘I don’t know why,’ she said, ‘but I always like to take this detour. You’d think the sight of these tiny graves would be sad, but it’s not. In a strange way they’re like children I’ve met. Sometimes they even seem to be whispering to me. Comforting me when things go wrong, or I’m just lonely and depressed.’ She pointed to a crooked headstone at the end of the row. ‘Amelia Holland. She was four and a half when she died. I feel as if I know her best. She’d have become a teacher, I think.’ She looked up to see that Jesse’s face was set in stone. ‘Sorry, it’s silly, I suppose.’
Jesse shook his head but said nothing. Then he moved away towards the honeysuckle. Head bent, he plucked a handful of blossoms from the vine and crushed them between his fingers, releasing their scent. Without understanding what was the matter, Sarah could tell that she’d made a misstep, that she was encroaching on hallowed ground in some way.
She tried to make amends. ‘It’s just that it’s very peaceful here. Sometimes I bring a book and read.’
Jesse flicked the crushed petals away and brushed his hand off on his jeans.
‘It’s getting late,’ he said. ‘Let’s go see this park you say is so amazing.’
‘Hedgerider Park.’
Jesse lifted an eyebrow.
‘That’s its name.’ She looked down at the dog, who was lying in a patch of sunlight. ‘Come on, Anubis.’ She grinned. ‘Nubi.’
As they walked along, Jesse stole an occasional sidelong glance at Sarah, but either she was unaware of his curiosity, or most likely indifferent to it. A girl like this, he reminded himself, would have no reason to lack self-confidence: intelligent, a privileged only child, plenty of money, decent (OK, fascinating) family, scores of friends, boyfriend too probably, herself nice enough to look at it though nothing special really—way too thin, too angular, ropy with muscle, even if she did have nice eyes, and that long gleaming hair, and he liked the way her mouth crept slowly upwards in amusement as though she’d found a hoard of beautiful polished stones like the ones he kept in a soft leather pouch and Emmy’s eyes shine, her mouth spreads in a wide astonished smile when he gives them to her for her birthday, ‘jewels,’ she breathes, ‘my own jewels . . .’
Nubi made a choking sound in his throat. Jesse started, he must have tugged too hard on the lead. He slackened his grip, then slowed to catch his breath while he tried to work out why he was still here. His headache was all but gone; his stomach was full; and the sky had cleared. There was no reason to remain, and a lot of reasons to move on. From the outset he’d established an ironclad rule never to stay more than one night in the same place.
Sarah looked at him in concern. ‘Should we get a coke or something?’
He shook his head and strode ahead. It was better to keep going. Sarah called out to turn left, and they rounded the corner into a world he knew all too well.
A knot of lads—hardly older than kids—were crowded round an object on the pavement. Jesse stopped short. At first he thought they had an animal, a dog or a cat, or even a large sack of spoils, which they were prodding and kicking and sniggering over. Then he heard the sobs and the pleading, and his headache exploded behind his temples, along with his memories. The boy was doing exactly the wrong thing by begging. They would finish him off if he didn’t shut up fast. Maggots fed on soft flesh.
There were about six or seven of them, and Jesse spotted the ringleader straightaway: a tall lad with a shaved head, smooth sallow face, and very white teeth. He was standing at the kerb with his arms crossed, enjoying his handiwork without getting his own hands dirty. His eyes glittered with intelligence, and Jesse had the feeling the guy was so stoked on his own power that he had no need of other stimulants. In different circumstances, he’d easily have been headed for a career in politics.
It was a party. Music was blaring from a ghetto blaster, and several of the kids had tins of lager in one hand, though they were certainly underage. Nobody would dare to challenge them. Jesse could smell that particular kind of hot sour sweat which a gang exudes when pumped on drink and adrenaline and bloodlust—on sheer strength of numbers—as well as the stink of urine. The poor bugger had pissed himself. He didn’t stand a chance.
Sarah came up behind Jesse and exclaimed when she saw what was taking place. She gripped him by the arm, and this time he merely winced when she dug her fingers into his flesh. The dog retreated the full length of its lead, sensing trouble. Jesse grabbed her arm and dragged her backwards while she tried to fight him off.
‘Let go of me,’ she said. ‘We’ve got to do something.’
Jesse looked round. Far down the street an elderly man was scurrying out of sight into a doorway. A couple of girls were giggling at the next crossing, and casting curious glances at Sarah and him to see if the show was about to get really interesting. Anyone else who might have been prepared to help had disappeared or was keeping a low profile. Even the traffic seemed to have taken an alternate route. Jesse grasped Sarah’s arm tighter and slowly hauled her back around the corner before the fuckheads had a chance to notice them. For the moment their attention was still focused on their prey. All except the tall bloke, who had seen them right enough. He’d narrowed his eyes and was cupping his chin with his hand and tapping one long forefinger against his lips, as if weighing the pros and cons of the latest tax proposal.
‘Keep quiet,’ Jesse hissed at Sarah. She was a city brat. Didn’t she have any more sense than this? She must know when to cut and run.
Her face was blotched with rage, and she was shaking so hard that she could barely spit out a coherent sentence.
‘Bastard. Get off. Take your fucking hands off. Right now. Now.’
‘No.’
She tried to pull away, kicked him, and swung her other arm for his head. She was strong, but he held on. The dog whined and ran round them, tangling his lead about their legs.
Jesse waited until her first fury had passed. ‘It’s got nothing to do with us.’
‘Fuck that.’
‘I’m not getting involved in someone else’s fight.’
‘What’s the matter with you? You can’t just walk away. There are six or eight of them. They’re going to put him in hospital.’
‘No, they’re more likely to kill him.’
‘And that’s it? You don’t care?’
‘It happens.’
‘Not if I can help it,’ Sarah said.
‘You can’t do anything. We can’t. Now let’s get out of here before they invite us to join their little party.’
He flinched at the contempt in her eyes but held his ground. Her eyes filled with tears.
‘Have you got a mobile?’ he asked with a sigh.
‘At home. Forgot to charge it.’
He shrugged. ‘Let’s go.’
‘I’m going back there.’
‘Then you’re on your own.’
He released her arm. They stared at each other in silence. Jesse could still hear music and laughter coming from around the corner, but his head was throbbing, and it took all his concentration to deal with Sarah. The sun was hot, and the smell of sweltering tarmac and exhaust was making him nauseous and a touch dizzy. Jesse remembered what Sarah’s mum had said to him—had offered him. It had sounded so tempting. A chance to rest. To read. To sleep. To figure out where to go, what to do. But it would never work. These people were fools. They seemed to think you could change the world. And what did they want with him anyway? The whole set-up stank worse than a backed-up public convenience. Maybe he was a new kind of school project: get to know the disadvantaged in the summer holidays. Stuff that. He didn’t need their philanthropy. Which amounted to what? A few meals, some old clothes they’d have sent to Oxfam before the month was out.
He didn’t owe them anything. If Sarah insisted on acting heroic, on getting hurt, he’d find his way back up the hill on his own, he supposed. Stupidly, he’d left his stuff at their house. But he could be there and gone in an hour. Or less.
His headache was making it difficult for him to think.
He hesitated, waiting to see what Sarah would do. When she didn’t move, he unwound the lead from their legs and handed it to her. She took it without a word. He could feel her eyes on his back as he bent to stroke the dog’s head. The creature was trembling.
They heard a high thin scream from around the corner, which was suddenly cut off. A burst of loud laughter.
With a wordless oath Sarah flung the lead at Jesse and ran.
‘Sarah!’ he called after her.
Instead of stopping or looking back she began to run in earnest. Her thick plait swung along behind her, stray tendrils already making their escape. She ran the way an animal runs—fluid, graceful, all its essence distilled in movement. The lasso of her flight dropped over Jesse’s shoulders. Tethered, he scooped up Nubi’s lead and ran after her.
To his surprise, Jesse found that he couldn’t overtake her. She was fast. The sun was still high in the sky, and it beat down upon his head and shoulders. He squinted in the glare from the pavement. Sarah wavered and gradually dwindled before his eyes. He pushed himself harder, faster. Light flashed at him from the metal and glass of the cars, sometimes blinding him. He began to pant. Finally he eased to a walk, then stopped and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Sarah was no longer in sight. He’d lost her. His breathing slowly returned to normal, though his head pounded. He licked his lips. He could use a cigarette; even better, a cold drink. He fumbled in his pocket. Nothing but a few coins. Again he licked his lips, swallowed. What would happen if he knocked at one of these classy doors and asked for a glass of water? He smiled to himself, imagining the response. Then again, maybe he’d actually get his drink. His clothes were clean and respectable. He had a dog on a very handsome leather lead.
Where was Sarah? The city grumbled and shifted around him. He thought of it as a great lumbering beast long inured to the specks of dirt and itching fleas clinging to its hide, probably not even aware of their existence. Jesse looked at the people walking by, seeing them for the first time. The streets weren’t overcrowded on this hot summer afternoon, but they weren’t empty either. It was unlike him not to have noticed, even more unlike him to outrun his common sense. The street had no tolerance for the weak. And now he had no idea where he was.
Tongue hanging, Nubi—damn it, now he had started using that name—waited for Jesse to decide what to do. If only his head would stop pounding . . .
Jesse stumbled over to the kerb, sat down between two parked cars, and folded his arms across his knees, pillowing his head and closing his eyes. Sweat was still running down his face and chest and armpits, soaking his T-shirt. He could feel Nubi’s breath on his neck, then the silly dog’s tongue. Only a minute or two, Jesse told himself. He didn’t care if anyone gawked, at this point didn’t even much care if a driver backed into him. Sarah had duped him. There must be a lesson in this somewhere—a lesson he thought he’d learned years ago. For the first time since Liam he’d let someone invite him home, and he’d been hungry enough—naive enough—to go. What had she expected? A noble savage? Gratitude? Now she had run off and left him stranded without his gear, without money, without even a piece of loo paper to wipe his arse. He ought to be angry or disgruntled or something. All he felt was tired.
‘Hey mate, y’OK?’
The speaker was dangling his car keys in his hand. Jesse must have drifted off for a moment, because he hadn’t noticed the man’s approach. Jesse shaded his eyes, nodded, and cleared his throat. He rose and dusted off his jeans—no, Sarah’s jumble, he reminded himself—then regarded the man coolly.
‘Fine. Just worn out from our jog.’ He indicated Nubi with his head.
‘Yeah, too hot for a run.’ The man looked him up and down. ‘Need a lift somewhere?’
Warning bells jangled in Jesse’s head.
‘Thanks, but we’re OK.’
‘Are you sure? You look like you could use a cold beer, maybe a fag.’
‘I said we’re fine.’
‘Look, no offence. Just trying to help.’ But he took a step closer.
Nubi growled.
The man retreated behind the protection of his car, throwing back over his shoulder, ‘Call off your dog, for god’s sake. It was a friendly offer. I don’t want any trouble.’ He jumped into his car and started the engine. Gears clashed as he pulled out of the parking space and drove away.
Jesse scratched Nubi behind his ear.
‘You might just earn your keep,’ he said. ‘Any suggestions what we should do now?’
A cigarette was OK, but Jesse didn’t touch anything, not anything else.
‘Does your dog bite?’ a voice behind Jesse asked.
Jesse spun round, then grinned. A girl of about four or five was watching him from her doorstep, with what looked like a dead badger—but probably wasn’t—clutched limply in her hand. Behind her the bright blue door stood half open to reveal a black-and-white checked floor and pale yellow wallpaper.
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