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Excerpt for Anti - Fuckin Love by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Anti-Fucking Love

by Kennie Kayoz

Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing

Smashwords Edition


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Cover Image courtesy of Pixabay

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Fucked Up Things


Love makes you do some fucked up things.

It's almost like it's a magical spell that has you in a trance

Always putting your heart out there cause the person says "I love you"

But do they truly love you ?

That's a true mystery at times, do they love you as much as they say ?

Are they just going along with what they say because it sounds like a good idea

I would hope that if someone says it, that it will be said with some emotion

Not just some emotionaless word that people use on a day to day basis

I have exhausted myself with the thoughts of love

Trying to be there for the one I love, but hiding is the only answer I get.

They tend to hide from others, which has them hide from me

It makes me scratch my head, am I the one they hide from really ?

Have grown to realize that I'm a inconveince to everyone who meets me

I do my best not to meet anyone new, as I know I'm just a big disappointment

People would be best if they just don't love me.

Now I no longer look for love like I use to.

I'm fine with rolling solo and planning my life as just "Me" not "We"

Why wouldn't I be fine with it ?, I knew at a young age it was going to be this way

But yet I tried it anyway

I tried and I have failed, I know many have done exactly that and kept trying.

But with me being fucking ugly, so ugly I'm fugly.

Not standing a chance in this world when it comes to the world of love

So I have chosen to give up on trying.

Everyone can move on, I can remain seated.

It's a interesting feeling when it happens.

Many feel like they can't be alone.

I feel alone is what's best for me.

Kennie

Making Them Depressed


Starting to think that's what I do to people

I just make them depressed when I enter lives

I should quit being around people

Never been any good at being a friend

I suppose that's for the best though because I don't want to make people feel depressed

After a while I would no doubt feel like the grim reaper

Perhaps the great depression was a oomen for me saying I was going to be born

Going to make people around me depressed

I have given up on love

Don't need it and it doesn't need me

Tired of trying, no longer want anything to do with it.

Life will be better off without it, don't need that hassle

I will be glad to be by myself

Don't need anyone else besides me since I make everyone depressed anyways

Tired of being around people, but I guess that's for the best

Don't want to hear the words i love you anymore

Just going to make me think of making people depressed

Best if I just stay away from people

Staying away is what I do best, easy for me to hide

Since nobody even seeks me

Just the way I want it anyways, perfect for me

Can drift away slowly or fast depending on the person

I know the world will appreciate me not around people

No longer have that feeling of making the depressed

Hopefully nobody comes across me

So I don't have that affect on them

It use to bother me since not many women look at me in that light

Most look at me like Jason Voorhees without the mask... scream and run sorta deal

But it's also something else that I've gotten use to over the years

Kennie

Cold Shoulder


I give love

I give respect

Feeling like all I get in return is a cold shoulder

Not sure where it came from

At times I'm starting to wonder if that's what my life deserves

Cold shoulders, to be pushed aside, to stay by myself.

This could possibly be a good thing for me.

I always knew that this life wasn't my life

Why worry about trying to be with anyone

Just tired of running the same race

When I don't even want to run anymore

Trying to jump the hurdles, when I don't want to jump.

Never been any good for anything in this life.

I continue to walk while others run

Sitting while others are jogging.

Two steps forward, one step back.

That's how my life goes

Always something keeping me from getting ahead

Kennie

Scared


You always told me that you were scared when guys get angry around you

I thought I was different, I figured I was, until last night

Last night prooved to me that you see me in the same light as the rest

No matter how I treat you, no matter what we do.

I'm being over shadowed by those who came before me

I can't do anything about it, so I chose to ask you not to come over.

Just wanting to be alone with my thoughts

Wanting to be alone with my feelings

Here I thought I was different but clearly that's not the case

I don't know what to think now, which is why I asked you not to come over

Yet you got your back up about me saying it, how was I suppose to feel

I never want you to do anything your not comfortable with

I always keep your best interest in mind and will never force you to do anything

So after it became clear that you look at me just like all the rest

I knew that I had to take a step back as you just ripped my heart ouf my fucking chest

Understanding is a understatement, I know your past and know why your the way you are

I thought I was passed that, I thought I gained your trust

Clearly the answer to that is no, I don't think I ever will gain it.

So now we're back to not talking much, using animated gif's back and forth

Not sure how long that will last before worse will enter the conversation

Or am I best to stay at a distance, since I see how you look at me now.

If I posted this where you could see it, you would tell me that it's my choice

But it's not really, it's you who have to make that choice, since your looking at me like the rest

I can't do anything about how you see me, I thought things were different

I'm starting to scratch my head about it all now, your telling me one thing but I still have that shadow overhead.

Where are things going to be, where are things going to lead

I can no longer convince you that I'm not like the rest, since that is how you see me.

Kennie


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